Oh, good, it’s winter. I glean that it must be winter because, before it started raining, it was snowing – upon seeing that, I turned around and went back to bed. I can’t deal with snow yet. Those seven months of winter are going to destroy me anyway, but I’m going to hold out as long as I can. I refuse to accept that winter has started before Halloween. I refuse, on the grounds that I refuse.
I slept in until eleven this morning, since it’s Saturday. The one day a week my mom can’t storm into my room at nine thirty and tell me I have to wake up or else dinosaurs will take over the world. (I don’t know. I don’t listen very well in the morning.) The point is that she’s very committed to waking me up at good hours [ungodly psychopathic hours] of the morning. I understand why, for school and everything, but I’m so much happier when I get at least ten hours of sleep. I can function just fine on eight, which is about how much I usually get, but once I get past the ten mark I just feel remarkably more optimistic about everything. That’s probably why this post is so light-hearted, and the last couple weren’t. Sleep makes a difference.
As far as my various problems go, this afternoon I just don’t care. Hey, I’m fine with stuff. It’s a cold, rainy, remarkably unpleasant October day, but I couldn’t give any less of a shit about it. And good news seems to be all over the place lately – I got a call back from CHEO saying that my specialist appointment is on November 18th – I was gravely sure I was going to have to wait months and months, like usual for medical stuff, but it’s only a couple of weeks away. Then I get to meet Dr. Norris and unload all of my transgender crap on him. But that’s what he’s for. I don’t know exactly what we’re going to talk about – I guess I just have to tell him how I’m doing, how I feel, and what I want. I’ve heard that you can get hormones at my age, even, which is pretty neat; also I’ve been obsessed with the rapper Katastrophe lately, because he’s trans-male too and seems like a totally average guy. It’s good to know you can do the transitioning stuff and not end up looking weird and still half-girl. And if you do it younger I think your body reacts much better to it, which makes a lot of sense.
I’m thinking, if it’s possible, to get all of this “stuff” about me out into the open for the new year. Like a New Year’s resolution. Instead of wanting to lose weight or get a job or whatever people usually do for their resolutions, mine is going to be to tell everybody the whole transgender thing. I don’t know how it’ll work out. I keep having nightmares about the coming out issue. Last night I had a dream where somebody mentioned I was gay and my grandpa lost his marbles about it. Actually I had a lot of weird dreams last night – I actually had a Doctor Who dream, believe it or not. I was over at my friend’s house and he had a Tardis for some unfathomable reason, and it brought me to some Nintendo 64-game world with bad graphics and Native Americans. Who knows why. Later on I found myself somewhere in the US and stole a skateboard from a wall and rode along the highway. I got to a tattoo parlor and despite having no money, asked the guy there to do some lyrics from mewithoutYou on my arm. He and the tattoo parlor owner referred to me as ‘he’ but there was a girl who said ‘she’ – I looked over and corrected her. It turned out my lyrics were way too long and complicated, and me and the tattoo artist struggled to find a good passage for several minutes before, disappointingly, I woke up and never got my tattoo.
It occurs to me, belatedly, how very “boyish” that dream was. Skateboarding and tattoos. Jeez.
Well, whatever. I like that stuff sometimes. I used to skateboard before getting discouraged because jumps seemed impossible – and I’ve always wanted a tattoo of some kind. Talk about stereotypical man-things.
I’m still in a good mood. Probably because I get to see Dr. Norris soon, and because it’s almost my birthday (November 4th!) and I can try to get my driver’s license. Exciting. I can’t wait to get all this “transitioning” stuff started – and, one way or another, through extreme awkwardness I’m sure, I’ll have to come out to my parents and my family. I was considering getting my school info thing changed to male instead of female for the new semester in January; but then I’ll have to explain to my friends, and that might open up all sorts of teasing opportunities for the less-nice kind of people. Lucky me, though, so far I haven’t been seriously bullied. A few days ago, though, some boys in history class weren’t so nice to me – I’d call it bullying for sure – but who knows if that was transgender related or not. They could just be like that to everyone. Anyway I told my mom and she told the teacher, and apparently the boys got told. Pretty sweet.
Today, life is nice. Enough. Outside the living room window, past the rain-soaked balcony, the sky is grey and white, and the left-over leaves on the trees are rippling in a FRIGIDLY COLD breeze; my cat is asleep peacefully on the footstool, curled up in a ball of cuteness, and I’m feeling all right.
~ The Cellar Boy