I got followed by a group called One7, religious people who help kids with problems (as it seems.) I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me wonders if they’re trying to wane me off my path of being transgender—Come to the light, child, embrace God’s plan for you, you are not a man!—and another part of me isn’t sure if they followed me just because I mentioned I was anxious and depressed. Possibly they only got to the ‘anxious and depressed’ part and then were like Yep, this dude’s gon get a follow.
If it’s just that, then I appreciate their caring. But I have this uncomfortable vision of some fifty-year-old lady looking through posts that have been tagged under ‘transgender’ and ‘LGBQT’, like mine was, and following everyone in order to attempt to save their souls.
Well, thanks, but no thanks. One7 is obviously doing good stuff (they have videos up, and it all seems pretty serious and religious and organized), but my soul seems pretty fine to me, I don’t think it needs saving, especially not by God. And especially not by a group of people eager to act on their version of God’s will. I’m not religious at all and I hold fast to the idea that, even if by some amusing cosmic joke he actually exists, that you wouldn’t get sent to hell just for thinking Christians are full of crap. Therefore, I’m going to go ahead and say that Christians are full of crap.
I think of it this way. An omnipotent, perfectly noble and utterly good god wouldn’t possibly kick you into hell to burn for the rest of eternity just because you never believed in him. That makes no sense. If a god does exist, in whatever form, I think he or she or it would understand that following a religious doctrine is not what makes you a good person, a worthy person. A real perfect god would have shaped some kind of afterlife in which every decent person can be brought, regardless of their beliefs, and another place for the bad ones to go. Or, better yet, we’ll all get reborn into new bodies after we die. I don’t know. I’m only putting my thoughts out there.
The fact of the matter is that I don’t want these One7 people nosing in on my business. At least they didn’t leave a comment that warned me about the dangers of being transgender—I’ve seen stuff like that, not directed at me personally thankfully, and it really gets under my skin. Even if there’s a good motive behind it… where’s your reasoning? Why is being transgender or gay or Muslim or whatever put your soul in danger? I don’t think there was ever a part in the bible where they said, specifically, ‘White, straight human beings are the only ones who can get into Heaven. Sorry for the rest of you. Bye.’
All the religious organizations in the world can go ahead and follow my blog, attempting to save my soul, but it won’t change anything. At the end of the day, I’m still transgender, and anxious and depressed.
I don’t hate religious people, not at all. I think if you want something to believe in, and it makes you happy, then you have every right to it—but when you take it so far that you’re actually threatening people, then you’ve got to stop and take a moment to realize what you’re doing. I see it all the time on the internet, on Facebook and Youtube, these angry bigots leaving comments on LGBQT pages or whatever, that say ‘prepare to burn in hell’, and worse things besides. I will assume that one reason for leaving a comment like that is because you happen to be a raving sociopath—but another reason, a less mean-spirited one, might be that you’re actually afraid for people who you think God might not favor. And that’s fine. But if you’re one of those people that goes around telling gay people they’re going to burn in hell for eternity, (and believe me I’ve seen a lot of those people) just try and get your act together. It’s depressing to see those kinds of things still being said.
Plus, it just makes no sense. Like I said before, why would a supposedly ‘good’ all-powerful god throw perfectly happy, kind, normal people who happen to be gay or transgender or whatever into hell just because that’s what they are? Check your logic. God’s either good or evil or incredibly inconsistent.
Anyway, while totally understanding that nobody’s reading this except for some dedicated Christians and spam bots, I’m still going to write. To get out my thoughts, to make myself feel better, all that. Today I headed to school with my guitar so I could go jam with the kids who sit out in the English classroom hallway—and I found out the guy with the long blond hair, the guitar whiz, is called Tyler. Also he can solve Rubik’s cubes in about five seconds flat, and I am not joking. I thought I’d spaced out and missed something, but I hadn’t—his friend handed him a Rubik’s cube, I glanced away to look at something, and when I looked back it was solved.
Also he’s pretty smart; as evidenced by the fact that when he noticed the same people kept walking by (we were sitting in the stairway because of the acoustics), he suggested we were stuck in a paradox.
God, how do I find people like this? They just fall into my lap, it seems like. I say that I don’t make friends that easily, and it’s true, nor do I make very many of them—but when I do, they’re pretty special.
Now speaking of friends—I saw one of my friends outside the school doors today. When he saw me he went inside and I didn’t see him again. I think he was avoiding me. Why, I have no idea. I really don’t. I thought we liked each other, but maybe I’m wrong. Social situations are strange; I feel like every day is a large struggle just to get through without looking lonerish and awkward, and then one of my friends walks into the school after seeing me and disappears. I’ve made a few friends this year, one way or another—Tyler the guitar whiz and potential genius, Jeremie the snobby French kid who likes the same books I do, the still-nameless quiet Chinese girl in English class, and Abraham, who likes Legend of Zelda. Not too bad, and it’s only been a month and a half.
I think that, despite the fact that people can obviously tell right away that I’m a “girl”, once they talk to me some they kind of get the message that that’s not what I identify as. For instance, I see absolutely no romance on the horizon with Tyler and I and his band of merry guitar-playing men—and we relate so easily that I suspect they’ve already initiated me as a boy, or an “almost-boy”, or whatever. It’s good. That’s what I want.
Another issue at school is the thing with going to the bathroom. Over the years, out of sheer desperation, I’ve actually trained myself (I’m not bragging, trust me, it isn’t brag-worthy), to not go to the bathroom during school hours. My body seems to have adjusted, so I almost never have to pee or anything while I’m at school. Besides, who wants to use a school bathroom anyway?
I would not feel comfortable walking into the girls’ room, and I’d be even less comfortable in the boys’, just because of my lack of boy parts. If I went into the girls’ bathroom I’d feel like a giant spotlight just got switched on over my head.
It isn’t a giant issue. As I said, I’ve trained myself. I just wish I hadn’t ever had to train myself.
I’ve read some stuff online about how people “present” as the gender they feel they are. I don’t really like the word “present” for some reason—it reminds me of presenting a school project or something—but I completely understand why it’s a problem. Because I have it every day; when I see a girl walk past, I’m mentally trying to turn myself into a boy. By the way that doesn’t work. When I walk to the bus and then home from my stop, I try to hold on to my boy-image as much as I can, because as soon as I regress into my girl self I feel uncomfortable. It’s not easy to hold on to something like that, especially when I know that almost all of the time I’m called a girl, so I must not actually look very much like a boy. And I can’t actually tell just by looking at myself—I have no idea how other people see me. For the last few years I’ve been trying to “present” my boy self, but obviously it isn’t going so well. And it’s not like I can really know what people are thinking—every single person I pass in the hallway doesn’t shout, “Boy!” or “Girl!” when I go by. I think I’m more androgynous than anything, but who knows.
I wish I could explain, though, how incredibly frustrating it is to constantly be called she. The other day when me and Zoe were walking out of English class, Ms. Nutting said “Bye, ladies!” And I smiled and we said bye, but inside I was cringing. And then when Zoe and I walk together I’m afraid we look like lesbians. There’s nothing wrong with lesbians—only when you’re not one and you look like one, then it can be irritating.
We were doing some stuff about Sigmund Freud in English, talking about the id and the ego and the superego—really interesting—and Ms. Nutting suggested a hypothetical version of the school in which everyone was utterly controlled by their ids. (The id is Sigmund Freud’s idea of the part of ourselves that is instinctual and animalistic, and only wants. Without the ego and superego, the id would take over and we’d just be taking and doing anything we wanted.) Though nobody mentioned it, I’m sure everybody was thinking that if we were all controlled by our ids, there would be a heck of a lot of “romantic” occurrences happening. All over the hallways. As well as stealing and fighting and all sorts of animalistic chaos. If I was controlled by my id, I’d run out of the school to the Shoppers Drugmart down the street and jump over the counter to fling my arms around the waist of the pretty girl with the glasses. (I’m so nervous about her that I don’t want to go there after school anymore.)
Anyways. I heard about this program in the Sick Kids in Toronto where they deal specifically with transgender teenagers. Unfortunately… it’s in Toronto. Apparently there’s some sort of program vaguely similar to that here in the capital, but I can’t imagine it’s as good—and that’s only if my psychiatrist is ever going to be able to get in touch with them. The thing about any sort of issue that goes through the medical system is that takes a godforsaken long time. For all the things to take so much time, this has to be the worst—because I’m desperate. I need to figure out what to do about myself. And I’m sure the same thing goes for a lot of people like me, too.
In the meantime I’ll get through things the way I’ve always done—whatever that is, exactly.
Thanks for getting this far, this one was particularly long and rambling. I don’t expect anyone but random religious groups and spam to find their way onto this blog, but I’ll still hope that at least somebody human is reading this—specifically a transgender or general LGBQT person, who might relate.
See you later. ~ The Cellar Boy